36. Italy

You were always on my mind.

35. Frequently.

I was born your white diamond.

34. On The Fortunate Side

Well, you made me feel ...

33. Smothered Glass Of Wine

Bonnaroo 2009:


These have been the happiest two months of my life.

And they can say all they want to say because they don't know.

32. Time

Sometimes I allow myself, then it's overshadowed.

And I'm reminded why I forgot about them in the first place.

31. Whoa, Snake.

I have to be really, really, really honest.






FUCK.

30. So Much To Be Thankful For

Took a lot of pictures by Lemon Lake two weeks ago. Felt good to be in front of the camera again for once.








I woke up this morning with the warm light of day peeking through the rain clouds softly kissing my face.

I've lost a lot of people in the past month, a few that I thought would be around till I was 83, some I predicted and really only felt the few grams of weight they left on me carry through and out the door as I saw them for the last time, and some who still hurt to think about, to talk about, to anything.

But I'm moving on in my life. So much has changed in such little time, so many words have been left unspoken, so many dreams have been left untouched, but I can honestly say that I've never been happier in all of my life. I feel this sense of peace that keeps me going, that keeps me strong.

I won't write my goodbyes to those who never got it from me, I won't carry my words on here in a melancholy memory of what could have been, frankly, what should have been.

And I won't defend myself, though I hear about all the things you say, the things you talk to others about, it's time to put that all away.

I owe you all nothing.

I can only hope that your future is as bright as mine will be, and is. I can only hope for that.

I'll post something special within the next few days.

29. Careful, You'll Become Post-Natal

Life is so fantastic.

27. Just To Remember In Ten Years

"In the end I was the mean girl, or somebody's in-between girl."

26. We've Not A Lot Of Time, Bear.

Life's been crazy. So much has happened the past few weeks that I can't keep track of hardly anything. But that's alright, I like it this way.

I've taken too many photographs. And I'll post some here in the next few days, but there are so many that it's hard to decide which ones to flood these pages with.

I start school June 1st for all my general education classes so that next year I can enter the med program for Radiologic Technology.

I purchased my tickets for Bonnaroo (four day music festival in TN) for June 11th-15th and I'm looking forward to that so much I can hardly contain myself. So many bands, so many opportunities to fill myself with musical greatness that I don't know how I'll handle it. -smiles- EXCITED!

Ayden has been doing great, playing soccer three days a week, and playing outside whenever the weather is nice. Which is finally almost everyday now. It just needs to stick this way.

I haven't been writing again. Not for three weeks now, and I'm not sure what happened. But I've been doodling, sketching, and reading everything that is given to me as a present or anything I haven't read that sits on my book shelves.

So, this is how life goes now.

Busy, but I'm happy.

25. Brown

there's nothing
to the waking up next to stale
sheets
if you're ready to move on
into the next phase

they move around these legs
like tentacles
of your hopes
and the summer

i will
give nothing of your dreams
to my pillows tonight

and my floor is jealous
of your arms
it called me to rest
and i passed

you've begun
to taste of
cold amber

the night closes
i lean
i breathe

24. I Have Nothing To Give

Life is too short. Life is too uneven to settle because it feels safe. Because you want it to work out because it feels like it should.

And even if it takes me the rest of my life, I will not settle.

I will not yield.

This past week ... two weeks, have been absolutely busy! I registered for school and procrastinated my entry test till Monday so I could study, study, study. School starts in June, and I've finally made up my mind what I'm doing. Radiologic Technology. AKA X-Ray Technician. It's 2 1/2 years of school, and even though anyone taking med school knows, it's hard work but well worth it in the end.

Ayden's been playing soccer like a mad man, and he's so cute, I'll post a video soon. He had a game earlier and though they are too young to keep score, watching him sit in the middle of the field from exhaustion is hilarious. It's good to get this stuff on film, good embarassing stuff for later in life!

I'll have to post pictures soon, I've been taking enough of them.

23. Any Fragments Will Remain

you will come to me in the middle of the night
and we'll wrap our legs
we'll wrap our arms around eachother's small frames
and breathe softly into the space between our faces

but i won't share my thoughts with you
no, those are locked up tight

and even though these are just visions in my deepest drunken sleep,
sneaking through my entryway window when i refuse
to open the door

it doesn't make me anymore prepared for reality
nothing prepares you for this
cold cold cold

"i hardly ever feel alone"

but tonight i want to scream about loneliness and how it stings and it creates little circles of want around your bedroom walls that just tend to radiate when lights are out

so what will i do?
i'll meet my best friends and tell them i'm an idiot and that i just want someone to hold me because it hurts over and over again and so they will laugh and close their eyes to my shame

and so he will hold. and my head will rest on his chest.



by an hour i'll run away again
because good girls never stay.

22. Vanilla, Open Scent On The Living Room Floor

Close your eyes and go to sleep, girl.

21. I Need The Smell Of Summer

There are some days that I wake up and immediately want to turn off my phone, bottle myself into my apartment, crawl underneath the covers of my comfortable bed, dream away reality and only wake up to drink hot chocolate and write or just not wake up at all and live in my surreal fantasy of perfection to everything.





Today was one of those days.






But then I realize that I have what so many people wish that they did, and that is unconditional love when I need it, I get to watch my son grow and learn every single day, and I'm never truly alone anymore.



I need to get the "If it's not one thing, it's another" attitude out of my body pretty fucking soon because it's driving me crazy feeling this way.

I guess ... it's strange. It's been almost two months and I'm finally realizing how much I miss being in love. Or maybe it's because I've not been out of love in close to 6 years.

Fickle funny thing.

Dreamland is mine tonight, warmth is going to pull the plug and make me wait.

20. Today

We just wanted to say "hello."

19. Time Stands Still, You Know You've Got The Hips To Swing It Back And Forth

I have no idea what is going to happen, what is to become of all this, and how I feel about the whole situation just yet.

And you know what? I don't even care.

I'll just close my eyes, have fun and take a leap. Because at some point, I have to hit the floor, but that's alright, because then I'll fly like Hell back up to the top.

Just watch me.

18. Color The Rainbow

I am thinking about going back to blonde in the next couple of months. I've been looking at older pictures of me and I miss it. What do you think?

I feel the need for change.

This week has been a very eventful week. Hell has been stalking my family and the drama continues hopefully not for very much longer.

On Wednesday, I received a phone call from my mother telling me that my closest cousin Jessie's boyfriend robbed a bank and then killed himself. Trust me, NO ONE even remotely, at all, expected this kind of behavior out of him. We are all shocked, and I can only think of Jessica who cannot help but wonder "what if?" and blame herself because they were fighting. I feel useless in helping her. I think everyone does.

And Friday, last night, was the one year anniversary of my dear Granny's death. We all miss her so much. Especially my own mom, who you can tell has so much to say outloud, yet can't get the words out. Sometimes, I wish I didn't read her so well. Maybe that's a little selfish of me.

But at least I admit it.

This week I'm even more grateful for friends and family.
I'm so lucky.

17. Quotables For The Day

Me: "You know those 92 year old women that have lived in their house for like nearly 60 years?"

Lucas: "Yeah.."

Me: "Well, that's me when I'm older."

Lucas: "You're going to be one of those old women that like dies and has like fifty cats eating your decomposing body!!"

Me: "I don't have room for fifty cats!"

Lucas: "... Yes, you do. They're stackable."


I have the best friends ever.

16. Chicken Tetrazzini

Today was a really good day. I took some long overdue me time. I got a pedicure to rebel against the awful wind/oncoming snow, saw Lucas for a bit and killed some zombies, and then I went to have hot chocolate and good conversation with someone I've been meaning to hang out with since November.

Life is good.

So, I'm going to post the Chicken Tetrazzini recipe, I originally got it from Betty Crocker but I altered it quite a bit and made it my own. Which means, it's better. -wink-

Num num num.

Don't you just love candid eating shots?


Chicken Tetrazzini

1 package of spaghetti or angel hair pasta, broken up into thirds
1/4 cup all purpose flour
1/4 cup of butter
1 cup whipping (heavy) cream
2 cups cooked cubed chicken
1 cup chicken broth
1/4 teaspoon pper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese

Heat oven to 350. Cook and drain your spaghetti. Meanwhile, in a pan melt butter over low heat. Stir in flour, salt and pepper. Cook, until smooth and bubbly, remove from heat. Stir in broth and whipping cream. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly for about one minute. Stir spaghetti and chicken into sauce. Pour mixture into an ungreased 2-quart casserole dish. Sprinkle with parmesan cheese. Bake uncovered for about 30 minutes or bubbly.

Serves around 6.

15. Stripped Down, This Is Me

"My eyes are open, but everything still moves in slow motion."

I never wear my hair curly anymore.

That needs to change.

My dad visited this morning with Lori before heading to Purg and then back to Phoenix. It started my morning off great but saying goodbye to family that I'm not sure when I'll see again is always a little hard on me. I worry about my dad, hoping that he is taking care of himself and not working too hard. I always wish we talked more because I miss him. We used to be so much closer.

As you can tell, I don't feel quite like myself today. I don't know if it has to do with the party I couldn't muster up the confidence to attend tonight or if it's how much has changed the past month or maybe a little of both. And then some. I'm pretty tired too so I think that doesn't help.

My mom and I went to Farmington today after Dad left and we both bought a few things. The fangirl in me bought Twilight but at least I have the guts to admit to it. I bought a new shirt that actually shows off my upper assets (whoa for me) and two tight light sweaters for 3 bucks each. Yay sales!

Ayden had fun with his Nana, he got new spiderman sunglasses and a pack of gummy worms which contents that remain are being eaten by me.

Secretly.

-smile/yawn- Time for sleep!

14. Grieggggoooosssss

Meet Eric.

This is my babah's daddy. Hahaha.

My sister wanted me to have dinner with her family at Griego's last night and since Eric took Ayden to Cold Stone I figured it might be nice to invite him out to dinner since the poor thing rarely eats anymore. Money or manorexia, not sure, he is very sensitive about it when you ask though so I think it might be the latter.

-wink-

In all seriousness, I'm glad that after two and a half years of hardly speaking to one another we are getting along better to the point to where we can do some stuff with Ayden. Ayden seems to really enjoy it which is the most important, so if he's happy, so is mom!

13. The Craziness Of Family Dinners

I think this is one of my favorite pictures mainly because Emily looks like someone just possessed her tiny body. Hilarious.
I went over to my sister's and decided to cook my family dinner two nights ago. I made chicken tetrazzini (spelling?) and it was scrumptious. At least I hope so because everyone had like three plates.

Here are just some snaps that mind you were the most fun ever to take because everyone in my family is just crazy haha. I'll post the recipe in a few days.

12. Bananananana Bread

So, even though I barely got any because I made it for my sister and my boss decided to take home half of it for him and his wifey cause it was THAT good, it was still worth posting because it really was awesome. The only thing I did wrong was grease the sides of the pan which made it not have that perfect round top, OHS WELLS because it was great!

Banana Bread

3 really ride/brown/black bananas
1 1/4 cups of sugar
2 large eggs
1/2 cup of butter or margarine softened
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup buttermilk*
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

Make sure your oven racks are in the center or lower part of your oven to prevent browning too soon. Heat over to 325 degrees. Grease the bottoms only of one 9x5 inch loaf pan with shortening. (Or two 8x4 inch loaf pans)

In a large bowl, stir in the sugar and butter till really well mixed. Stir in eggs. Stir in bananas, buttermilk and vanilla until smooth. Next add the flour, baking soda and salt until it's just moistened. DO NOT OVER MIX. Pour into pans.

Bake the 8 inch loaves about an hour, back one 9 inch loaf about an hour and 15 minutes. Just keep checking it. Lower the temp if it's getting too brown. BABY IT, it's worth it.

Cool for 15-20 minutes after you take it out on a cooling rack. I left mine overnight to cool so that I could slice it right away because if you slice it while it's warm, it will be all crumbly.

Makes 2 8x4 pan loafs, or 1 9x5 loaf.

*For the buttermilk (which I never use the real kind cause buttermilk = sour milk), I used a mixture I found at wal-mart in the baking aisle. It's powder and you just add the water as directed for how much you need. Smells like old milk, obviously, but it was more to stomach than the actual sour milk.

11. Family Shoot

These were taken about three weeks ago. Love, love, love!

10. Potato Egg Scramble

There's totally a group of thugs outside my apartment. It's sooooo great. -insert vibration of techno dance here-

Anywho's, I would like to post a recipe for this, but it's going to be vague because I just whipped it up and didn't even remotely think about it! But it tasted yummy so that's what counts right? Improv peeps, it'll do ya good.

Potato Egg Scramble

4 Red potatoes, cut into chunks

4 eggs

butter

milk

chunks of cheese

salt and pepper - LOTS

First, boil your potatoes to make them soft and edible. Mine took about ten minutes to get to a soft state.

Let them sit in the hot water to cool for a bit and while cooling, heat a pan, add a dollop of butter and break all four eggs into pan. Add a touch of milk and add salt. LOTS OF IT.

Scramble the eggs.

Drain potatoes, mix into scrambled eggs.

Add chunks of cheese for about TEN SECONDS and take off of heat. Sprinkle LOTS of pepper for taste.

Serve and eat this deliciousness. Whoa, fiber and protein galore!

9. Before The Hairscuts

Right before I got his hair cut.

Oh and random insert of friends doing hard labor because I own a sweatshop secretly in my driveway:

Hahahahah, Lucas.

8. A To The L

I seriously love his haircut so much.

7. Apple Pieeeee.

Classic Apple Pie

This recipe makes one 9-inch pie with two pie crusts.

Ingredients:

Pie Crust:

2 cups of all-purpose flour
1 cup of shortening
1/2 cup of cold water
3.5 large granny smith apples* peeled and cut into small pieces
1/2 cup sugar1 tablespoon butter or margarine, diced
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon of ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon of ground cinnamon
Little bit of milk
Pinch of sugar

Pre-heat oven to 425 degrees F. Use a medium bowl to make the two pie crusts. First add 1 cup of flour to bowl and 1/2 cup of shortening. Cut into the flour until it becomes 'flaky.' Add the rest of the flour and shortening to bowl and repeat step above. Add water and mix until everything comes together. Put in refrigerator for ten minutes before rolling out. After rolling out crust, lay in pie plate, about 1/2 inch hanging over edge. Fold edge over rim of plate.In another medium sized bowl, stir together the sugar, flour, nutmeg and cinnamon. Add the apples and toss it together, making sure it's coated pretty evenly. Spoon the mixture into the prepared pie plate. Take the diced butter and sprinkle over the top of mixture. Next, create your top pie crust by repeating step one or by creating a lattice top. Next brush a light coating of milk over the top crust and sprinkle with a pinch of sugar.
Bake 25-30 minutes or until crust is brown and insides are bubbly.
Cool for five minutes before serving.

Serve with whipped cream or vanilla ice cream.

Makes 8-10 servings.

*For any apple pie recipe, I never suggest using any other kind of apple other than a granny smith. It's sour taste seems to be the perfect companion to all the cinnamon and sugar put into the pie. You can use any other bitter tasting apple, I would not recommend using a sweet one. It seems to be too much on the palette in the end.